Invicible Rebelion

Disclaimer: This topic critique about religion and society in my environment, discretion is required.

I am an atheist in the largest mouslem religious country. Is that even a joke ?

I have become an atheist after I get out from high school. It will problematic if insist to throw out religion when in school. My disagreement with religion and god have peaked when my teach disagree with abiogenesis theory and evolution by citing koran and hadith that is wrong, than event is even not in religon class rather BIOLOGY class.

The education system is quite dogmatic toward religion and theism, for example the school have right to must teach certain religion ritual and pray rather learn about what is religion in general, history of it and peeking look to another religion and other way of thinking about god. The my "hadith" teacher may serve one of another form example about that fanaticsm/bigotry.

Also with citizenship card that required to provide religion field. Funny enough, my country goverment said religious freedom right is guarantee, but building a religious building of another religioun in certain area is exhaliriously difficult even got burned. The more hilarious is even the grant for Hajj and Koran accomodation is corrupted by goverment official.

Tainted child

This disagreement started when I was teenager, after graduate elementary school, my parent start resort verbal and physical violence when I refuse or late took pray. They use the hadith as justification. This the following source: Irwa'u Ghalil entries 247 by Albani, Fatawa As-Subki (1/379), Nurun ala Darb (11/386), Majmu Fatwa Bin Baz (6/64), Liqo Al-Bab Al-Maftuh (95/18).

The hadith may sound like well-measured and humane course. But if we took a look to another side, this a way to indoctrinate religion to children which still developing capabilities complex thinking to cope with topic such politic, religion and stuff. Also, my experience it leave pain and trauma rather religous faith footprint.

God doesn't exist may sound perfect, I not have to obey first-class boss named God, but sadly my parent is moderate to sickly religious. Gonna talk about it latter.

Sickly Religous Family

My mom said if I not pray or other religious ritual, "your will be an atheis like our chinese neighboor and no one help mom and dad araise from Hell except You prayer and deed". She said with angry expression, with hand up that could strike me at moment.

Historical note: Chinese ethnic in Indonesia face strong stigma about being comunist and atheist, that they will do harm or any malicious thing. Which is part legacy of dictator era propaganda to keep population in check after 1965 massacre of communist and the suspected (the death toll 1M person!).

My dad already dead since I cannot remember. According to resource I found, my dad was christian then converted to islam to marry mom. The resource is my dad bible in some drawer at storage room, and also another chiristan music tape (tbh, they sound better that mouslem type of music).

I also suspect maternal family heavely press dad to do it. Then this kinda pressure inherited to me, as they affraid I may someday convert to christian follow my father family. I never know my paternal family until now, when I could ask them what actually hapeend. My maternal family never talk about this as long I know.

Moving on, I have once cry because my mom and my brand new stepdad comparing me with some read koran. The type of reading that call qory. They shame to me because can not do the same. They more proud if me could do Koran qory and doing anything religious, it make me like worthless kid. Which is I deeply disdain now.

They want I look like another kid the see worth it. I even thinking why they not kill me now then adopt that prestige kid the saw. The kid who can qory Koran, memory whole Koran, do five time shalat, got first ranking at school and could guarantee them to araise from Hell to Heaven as destined invested child.

Sholeh/Sohelah is their term about that type of kid, the kid who faintest in rituals and also completely brainwashed by religion.

What the point also memorize and read Koran like maniac without reasoning its meaning ? It like a bird in cage, your attraction of knowledge only please people rather bring benefit to your self and other by reasoning it which contained inside the fiction called Koran. Maybe the aesthetic of read koran not my cup of tea, but the way to memorize it that already outmatched by computer or printing tool, it 21-century not 7-century where writting is exorbitantly expensive.

This the problem of religioun is they care about the rituals like their lives on for it and ignore the rationalization about it. Faith only, No rational thinking which I found why mouslem is somehow problematic : producing fanatism, no-brainer ritual doer due to fear about afterlife and degrade their own teaching to benefit to current era.

Even I, an atheist, could get benefit from some Islam teaching by ratiolanize/secularize it like fasting that proven benefit to health by science, sedekah that help other people who suffer to be bearable (and hopefully reduce crime rate in society) and speak in good will without prejudice to reduce interaction turn into brawl or conflict.

Islam Koran and hadith somehow not too scary if you look carefuly there some a tidbit which could be useful after proped handling method through science or philosophy, but must bear toward a scary and bloody story in it, obviously.

My atheist stance previously stance as revenge toward religion which now I found is not worth, rather my brand new self. Atheistic value resonance with me as I grow, I go into nature rather than bossy god.

Silence = Safe

Moving on to era where I into college, I make quite serverly mistake that I not keep my identity as atheist properly. I think when in academic ground especially college, instute of techonogy to be percise. That type of religous mob and bigotries, suprisingly flourish, I caught off guard because I think there should be carefree or even lax about religious topic. That fault of my wishful thinking.

Then the whole of class know about I an atheist, some may not bother too much and some kinda iritated with me and one have disconnect me from their friend list after knowing that even we have sharing a lot topic about computer hardware and some just use me for their project asignment. I do not know this considered as discrimanation or not, but their stand kinda push me away. The word about I an atheist is not stop at student but few lecturer have known especially the big mouth one.

Moving on. Being atheist is same as protagonist in Convinient Store Girl novel by Sayaka Murata. Society will think you an alien and they will strip down your personality then dissecting it like lab rat. Think you in clothes but feel naked because everyone talking and know about you. People always ask you with their prejudice answer such "Where you go when you death?", "What the point of you life if you do not have religion?" or "You know who create this world? Is God". My answer is kinda straightforward: "Back to nature, decomposed by nature", "Creating my own point of life", "The world made it self from nothingness of quantum vacum, no God or stuff required".

I some face like coercion to reply they greet which is annoying like they loudly speak "salam" near me, also some of they have set timer at half to 5 AM with note "shalat" and also they think some sort of new comunist movement.

It infuriating about how atheist is badly treated. Luckly, only me known by my class as atheist and also stupidly admitting when people asking me, so maybe one person not hurt much, maybe they I think to stupid to taken care. Why I said luckly? People who get caught have sort LGBT things got worst treatment that I am. Various religious student association launch campaign against LGBT behaivour in my campus. They set poster on campus board and various building, online post that shared by many student especially who join religious type, small demonstration (but bail by security because it unauthorize) even worst it spread to entire faculty in campus.

The both person who suspected LGBT dropping out from campus, Ironically the case is there a guy who forced a guy to be his boyfriend by threating to reveal orientation the guy who threaten, then the guy who treaten speak up his senior of faculty and then the story spread like wildfire. I do not know about his senior, but it pretty clear the person is quite big mounth and ignorant about how hostile the reaction will be that make his junior should dropping his study due it sexual preference. Also, the guy whose start threating person into relation is doing coercion about personal gain -- blackmailing, is utterly stupid or have sick sense of humor in my opinion.

After that I need to stay low about my identity. What LGBT guys face now, maybe what atheist face tommorow. In my home enviroment this could cause me to get disowned by family if they know I am now an atheist or worst, death.

This thing that I keep secret from my familiy including that I have autism.

God is someone ancestor imaginary friend legacy

We born as atheist, that quite a hidden fact. Thats why there some sort religous rituals when baby born to admit it one of them. Faith of God or religion is not inherent by birth. Unlike etchnicity or race, that inherently what we birth for. Let say you can not change your ethnicity or race like clothes.

Religion is like tradition clothes that pass from generation to generation. The clothes is about how your precieve what is God and what you life will be with it -- religion. Also, how you will be dressed when die, such Islam you will use white fabric, if you christian with nice clothes and coffin or if your between hindus or budhist you corps will be burn into ashes. Despite that, Religioun is personal thing that we can choose freely, it not inheredity.

The idea of god and religion has been various in humanity history. The prehistory human think that certain animal is type of deity, then move on to certain rock that poses mystic power, not stop there when human start civilization the concept of god evolve into religion, like civilization produce culture, human start making God named Zeus, Thor, Odin, Horus, Allah and etc and doing rituals such scarificing human, festival or even war. Human carving for such thing, the greatest thing outside themself to answer where human coming from and where go after die. And the greatest thing funny enough have humanistic trait such God can angry and cast warth into world or even have shape humanoid like us such able to see.

Imagine if a cat have a hand that capable to draw, maybe the cat's God look like cat rather that human like greek deities or human arabic writting like Islam God and its prime prophet.

Human create answer for themself, the God, to solve they long await existential question such why we born, what to do in life and what life after death go upon us. The universe, where our actual home, silence in many way. Institutionalize Religioun monopolize this aspect to gain more and more follower to make them seem real like ad poppulum for logical fallacy -- just because famous people said or a lot of people said about something it does not what they said is true. To keep survive, to make they imaginary friend still exist and the legacy continue.

So I said no to God and religion, I pave my own path and answer for my very existance. I not denied looking to religion or old mitology fiction like to seek as reference in term of philosopical aspect.

Weaponize myself with philosophy and science

Saturn is one of another planet that have ring, it looks pretty and my favorite planet in aesthetic term. After I do some researh, that ring is belt of asteroid that orbiting saturn that can fall to Saturn surface at any moment, so I can not build home there-- even, can not to live there. Science amaze me with complexity about nature, when I young solar system is pretty intrigued me about why our planet rotating sun and why there another planet, the answer bring me to Big bang and popular science as general. In the end, which become first foundation for my science literation exploration in my childhood.

Science give me antidote to religous indoctrination as alterantive way of thinking. There various diference between clash in theory between religion and science, like how humanity emerge, what way world is created and religious claim that debunked by science. I belive and trust science because it proven it real world, you or i can prove it, like you could prove water is frozen by it method and metric.

Of course, science not provide all answer I have wanted, even I have to revise what I ask and how to thinking. This were philosophy come to resuce. Science without critical thinking is idempotent, like you could memorize what lies under universe but without critical thinking it will be stagnant without further understanding, even so that make you like hafidz (people who memorize entire koran) without understanding rationale behind it.

Philosophy sharping our mind by philosophizing about thing and also enhance it to us more deep in way of thinking. For example in philosophy we learn about what is knowledge? How something can call as knowledge? Like questioning what is "what is" itself? and also boundary of what thing is knowledgable?. This type of question drive our mind to seek answer by thinking even revising how our thinking about things and adimiting our ignorance to step further.

Life also can be answered by philosopicall approach. Our life is our philosophical work such how we value thing as bad or good ? What our thinking about God or ideology? Why humanity deserve to be push? even meaning of life and what is death itself? This kind question is philosopical rather than scientific. Not forget to mention even religoun and science itself born from philosopy then grow mature into full-fledge knowledge and split from philosophy -- like adult that start living by it own, thats why philosophy sometime called as mother of knowledge.

Philosophy is about wondering about thing and seeking for the truth, what the point of philosopy is not the output (truth) rather the process of thinking which produce outcome. How the wonderer adventure that lead to such truth?. Learning philosophy like unlocking true nature of mind, you brain become more enjoyable to thinking and wonder about thing and stuff.

So, the weapon is reason and critical thinking.

Insurrection

Admitting I am an atheist to my family or environment like voluntarily sending party invitation to see my execution to disowned, stripped down and expelled from family. My family and environment conisdered quite conservative about religion. Living in majority religon as an atheist is pain, they force me (soft way) to follow they why and at same time riducule my believe an atheist, this case no already happend to me and also other atheist.

So what I to do? Cammouflaging with the majority, kinda pain I tiring and wasting time doing religious thing such shalat, weekly shalat, visiting collective prayer of other neightbour who pass away, religious event particiption and also administration that involving religion. Sometime I write about atheism and stuff in my personal notebook, hand-written because that way I can fully pouring my thought, let say this mini fight against tha type society.

In sort, doing religous thing is infuriating, I have no faith in it, what I do is aginst it quietly. Maybe in certain point of future I may beable to leave my town and leave somewhere fully of my self. This is the real resurrection against that environment. No contact to my family anymore and life at my fullest. In my area sandwich generation (even before the term itself famous) is kinda tradition in my area, you're have obligation to treat your parent after your grow adult and also raised child. Due my condition, I may neglect both, I want just leave huge money to them then go away. Thank it and leave it, may I look people that do not thank you for being born? maybe it.

That my dream now, not being to be rich, famous, astronaut or anything, just go away and life at peace. Ok, one of my wild dream, but this nice gateway to reach other.